The No Good, Very Bad Day
by Itarille Celebrindal
Summary: Mercedes Anastasia Perkins is the most beautiful, most wanted, most popular girl in school. She just knows she is destined to save the day and marry some hot prince--even though it's 2009. Join her on her journey to Narnia. Parody alert!


Disclaimer: All that is Narnia is not mine. All that is Melody belongs to every Mary Sue writer who ever wrote.

This is obviously a very short parody...I got bored studying for Step 1 and decided to write instead after seeing one too many Mary Sue summaries in the category.

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Mercedes Anastasia Perkins was THE most popular girl in school. And how could she not be? With her sun drenched golden hair and brilliantly emotive eyes the colour of the Caribbean on a perfect day, she had the features of a classic California pin-up and the mature body to match—even though she was only 16. Her only flaw, of course, was that she knew it.

"I could have any boy I wanted," she would boast with a flip of her luxurious mane; this was the declaration that everyone had heard many times and yet, the head cheerleader still refused to date the captain of the basketball team OR the quarterback of their state championship football team (he was the next Tom Brady).

"Why, I could go into any story and have all the heroes fawning over me. Heaven knows I would do better than those silly girls in them already." This was also an oft heard comment, for Mercedes Anastasia Perkins was also quite the fantasy fan. The idea of sweaty, attractive men and gorgeous glittering jewels and gowns was quite possibly the most wonderful dream a girl could have. After all, how could any modern day yuckity-yuck boy EVER compare to a sword-wielding, horseback riding, prince?

It was also, of course, in the midst of one of her diatribes on how she would end up rescuing said prince instead of the other way around that she walked straight over an open manhole, disappearing into the darkness with a hollow shriek as her equally blond and vapid friend wondered why she had been ditched.

Mercedes Anastasia Perkins landed unceremoniously on the dirt in a far away world and in the midst of a group of strange creatures in a cave. She was about to yell at those same creatures for their dastardly kidnapping plot and that it obviously wouldn't work—really all they were doing was wondering how in Aslan's Name a girl had fallen from the ceiling of the How—when she caught sight of the human figures pushing their way through the crowd to stand at her feet.

"Come now, what is all the fuss?" the tall blonde one said, raising a dark golden eyebrow as he looked around at everyone for answers.

Not one to be distracted by a pretty face, Mercedes looked at the other older boy, this one with delicious chocolate eyes and a mane of dark hair almost as pretty as hers. She flushed bright red as she accepted his hand to help her to her feet. She haphazardly tried to brush the dirt from the floor off of her denim miniskirt and sapphire blue halter top that matched her eyes—it was designer after-all—and glanced at the next boy. He was younger than she, but Mercedes had that sort of practiced eye that could tell he'd be quite yummy in a few years as well.

"Who are you?"

Oh…there were two girls there as well; Mercedes hadn't noticed. The elder was a scrawny pitiful thing with limp brown hair and dull eyes and the littler one was adorable…if one enjoyed an overbite and matted hair. Her few moments of silence were enough to allow the little one to speak in over-excitement.

"You're obviously not a Telmarine; you have the wrong colouring for it. I'm Lucy…Queen Lucy of Narnia," she babbled, reaching out to shake Mercedes's unoffered hand and ignoring the other girl's look of disgust as she did so. "This is my brother, High King Peter, my brother King Edmund, my sister Queen Susan, and this is Prince Caspian. He's a Telmarine."

Mercedes said nothing for a few moments, instead glancing about at what was obviously preparation for some sort of war, if all the swords and pointy things were to be believed, and then back at the boys. The golden haired one would look fantastic by her side and they would always match of course, but the other one had an exotic foreign air to him that was just as intriguing and the young one would obviously adore her enough to run her errands whenever until he grew into himself a bit. She grinned then: this was obviously a situation that called for her particular skills as this army and the delicious Kings and Prince were in dire need of her oft-fantasized help.

"I am Mercedes Anastasia Perkins," she paused for a moment to let the gloriousness of her name sink in. "I'm from California in 2009," because this was very obviously NOT the same year, "And I am here to rescue everyone from this terrible situation and win the day!"

She preened for a moment, waiting to bask in their praise and adoration as it had always happened in her dreams. When there was no response, she opened her eyes, then narrowed them on the younger boy who seemed to be struggling against a coughing fit.

"What?" she snapped irritably. His fit was delaying her adoration.

"Can you use a sword?" he asked once he had recovered, eyeing her up and down in a way that Mercedes could tell was not favourable.

"Well!" she thought for a moment, "…No…"

"A bow?" he raised an eyebrow this time, waiting.

"Err…no?"

"Can you fight at all?" Despite the question, the Prince's delightful accent sent shivers down her spine.

"Well, no. But I'm sure I can handle whatever weapon you put in my hands!" Mercedes said, starting to feel a little nervous.

"Do you know tactics and strategy?" the icky brown haired girl spoke up then in what was an entirely too saccharine tone for Mercedes' pleasure.

"Duh, beat the bad guy, win, dance," and then get married to the hot guy.

"Look, just get all the pointy things together and give me something and we'll go win this shit," Mercedes said, stomping a foot impatiently.

This wasn't going at all how she had imagined.

The younger King was already snickering and it looked as if the golden haired King was about to join him when he cleared his voice and spoke.

"We thank you for your…kind…offer, Miss Perkins," he said smoothly, "But I'm afraid you won't be of any use to us," he had wanted to add the word 'ever' to his statement, but figured that it was a little bit of overkill.

Mercedes Anastasia Perkins was about to lose it, her face reddening with anger.

"You shall just have to help mind the children in the back of the How. I suppose even you could do that little. I have to be close at hand in case anyone needs my cordial," the young girl held up the glittering flask and gave her what was supposed to be a comforting smile.

She wasn't given any room to argue as the older girl looped an arm through hers and fairly dragged her off to the back of the icky caves. For such a spindly thing, the girl was quite strong. She was deposited with a horsewoman thing mother and, after a few words with the thing, the other girl disappeared back into the flickering hallway.

That was the last that any of them heard of Mercedes Anastasia Perkins for they, quite honestly, had forgotten about her in the rush of battle. Whether she had minded the children or not and whether she had returned home or gotten lost in the forest was unknown. She had simply disappeared.


End file.
